CLOSER THAN EMPATHY
We wisely avoid sociopaths, because they can abuse, injure, and kill people without feeling bad. They have no empathy, no desire or ability to understand or feel where another person is coming from and to respond appropriately. This is a hugely important deficiency; empathy is widely understood to be the main psychological mechanism...
New Couples’ Equity Communicating
My new book, Dismantling Racism One On One highlights the power of each person's uniqueness to transform racist interactions. The key, as I explain there, is for conversation partners to co-construct uniquenesses. I re-tell three true stories of racist interactions where conversation partners did this, and I describe how every reader can help...
MATTERING MATTERS
“Whatever. . . .” “As if I care.” “I don’t give a rip.” Three different ways of saying the same thing—“That doesn’t matter.” A short step away from “You don’t matter.” Most of the time, we’d rather not hear mumblings like these, especially from loved ones, friends, and colleagues. If they surface often enough, they can be deadly toxic. ...
DISMANTLING RACISM ONE ON ONE
My new book was just published by Strategic Book Publishing! Unlike most books about dismantling racism, this one focuses on two person and small group conversations. Systemic racism in employment, education, and law enforcement is hugely important. And most of us experience encounters with one or two others where we want to do something to...
SAYING, DOING, BEING
Whether they work from home or alongside colleagues, employees continue to spend time fuming over unresolved conflicts, coping with hurt feelings, resenting how women are treated--or men, and wondering when their boss will ever apply best practices for team-building, employee motivation, or shared leadership. When someone proposes interpersonal...
INTIMACY BEYOND EMPATHY
Two articles I recently published clarify what we're doing when we really connect with somebody else--when we recognize something about them as an individual AND know that they see something about our uniqueness. I had to make up a label for this process, because, so far as I can tell, nobody's identified and described it before. I call...
SEVEN WAYS TO COPE WITH “SHELTERING IN PLACE”
“Self-quarantine” or “sheltering in place” can be frustrating and uncomfortable. One huge problem is that we’re spending much more time than we’re used to in the same room—or the same limited spaces—with our “loved ones.” The quote marks around those words don’t mean we’ve fallen out of love. We’re just not used to being around each other...
WHITE SUPREMACY & SPIRITUAL FORMATION
I’m an old white guy who’s learned a lot from several African American teacher-friends. One is Anthony, a PhD with 25 years experience. Two weeks after joining us, he asked me, “What is going on in this town? I hadn’t been here for ten days before I was called the n-word on the street!” Another is Andre, a former graduate student who, after a...
STEREOTYPING AND HOW TO AVOID IT
How much misunderstanding and violence does stereotyping create? When the Starbuck’s manager in Philadelphia called the police on Rashon Nelson and Donte Robinson, the “dangerous black man” stereotype was obviously operating. The same stereotype violently surfaced in the police shootings of Michael Brown, Walter Scott, Freddie Gray, Philandro...
CONNECTING. FOR LIFE.
The memory is of the threat of its absence. I’m not alone, but I’m scared I could be. Disconnected. In a void, a space with no footing. No way to be an agent; to matter. Therefore no raison d’etre—literally, no reason for being. The only real hell I’ve ever dreaded. Our 1930’s cream-colored, porcelain Wedgewood gas stove with...
